Speechless

I am still stunned and speechless after the events of 12/14/2012 at the Sandy Hook school.  My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who are directly affected by this tragic event.  Everyone can speculate on the hows and whys but I'm still stuck on the fact that 27 people mostly children will not get to spend the holidays with their families.  I don't have many memories of my childhood but I remember the excitement of knowing that presents were under the tree (for me!!) and the wonder and excitement of Christmas morning  finding the toys and candy that Santa had left for me.  I also want to extend my thoughts to the shooters family, so many people have forgotten about them, the father and brother who will forever have pain and guilt in their heart due to what their family member did.

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it!

The reason why?  I'm moving to VEGAS, I've been keeping it quite for a while now, only two friends know, it's going to be such a change for me and I really need it.  This past week I went out there to find an apartment for myself and my pets to live, I was shocked with what a deal I found.  The place is lovely, nice kitchen, huge bathroom, bedroom, walk in closet and a full sized washer/dryer all for cheaper than what I pay for a location out here that has the same amenities but much older and worn.  I don't consider myself a rich bitch (because I'm not rich) but it will be nice to live in a safe community instead of the borderline ghetto one I live in now.  I'm so over living with drug addicted people who go through the dumpsters at all times of the day and night, not listening to fights and guns going off.    It's apart of a huge apartment complex and I'm near the back on the second floor with an elevator, how freakin cool is that??

 Where I live now, I always feel like someone from the families my past might be watching me and I've always lived my life a little quieter than I really wanted because of it.  Also there has been so many bad things that have happened over the past ten years in this city, that I still feel the negative vibes and I just need to get out.  I never planned on making my current city my home, when I first moved out here from a small town it felt big but after a while I found it to be suffocating as well.  I'm well aware that Vegas isn't all that big of a town, if you don't believe me, hop on the plane flying out of Las Vegas at night and look down, you can actually see the WHOLE city but I don't know if I will make Vegas "home" either.  The past ten years I keep on saying I was going to move to a larger more active city, then I got into a six year relationship, that broke up but I hopped into two more longer term relationships so then after those didn't work I kept on saying I'm leaving but with the economy I was scared to.   I can't say that it's really looking up (imho) but since I already lost my job I figured I might as well search for a new one, in a new location, starting a new chapter of my life.

I'm moving at the end of January, it feels like it is such a long time away but really it's right around the corner and that freaks me out a little.  Normally when I have to do something big, I'm a huge list maker but right now I just can't get myself to sit down and make out the lists that I need to.  I actually should be working on those right now but I decided to blog instead, not that I don't love blogging but it shows the procrastination that I'm having.

Another thing I'm having an issue with is weight loss, not keeping the weight off but losing the weight I need to, I keep on eating, I haven't lost a pound since Thanksgiving weekend and that upsets me.  It's my own fault and I wonder if I'm doing this to jeopardize my success when I move.  I almost feel that if I lose weight and things go good for me out there, then it's only because I'm skinnier not because of who I am as a person.  I haven't really explored my feelings on this theory but I know that I still hear to this day my mom tell me that people will only want to date me, hire me, befriend me etc if I'm skinny.  Ofcourse in my head (and this is the eating disorder talking) I won't ever be my ideal weight or if I get there I know it's completely unhealthy, so in a way my head/heart is telling me that I will never have the boyfriend, friends, family or job that I want because I will never be skinny enough to be deserving of it.  I know I need to work past those feelings and set a healthy weight loss goal of 150 or so (I'm 5'7 and med-lg boned) but the 105 sounds so much better to me.  I am obsessed with bones, I think they are sexy, I don't even mind saying that when I used to be able to lay on my bed and see my hip bones poking out from under my skin, I was slightly turned on.  Those where also the nights that I used to worry I was dying due to my heart being irregular and I would lay awake all night fretting that if I fell asleep that I might not wake up but it's funny how selective your memory can be.

I am starting back up at the gym tomorrow, on Monday I have bootcamp and I plan to work out at the gym those nights as well.  I am getting back onto http://www.sparkpeople.com, tracking my weight and food.  I am going to be more consistent with writing on this and holding myself accountable to losing 15 lbs before the end of January.  I personally feel like that is an achievable goal and I know that the little boost I get from losing those pounds will make me feel superficially self assured when I move.

Okay this has been a long post, so sorry, I guess writing this has been a little therapeutic though, I should do more of this too!  Happy Friday night everyone!

Quote for today: (one of my favorites)
“A year from now you will wish you had started today.” -Karen Lamb