Where I live now, I always feel like someone from
I'm moving at the end of January, it feels like it is such a long time away but really it's right around the corner and that freaks me out a little. Normally when I have to do something big, I'm a huge list maker but right now I just can't get myself to sit down and make out the lists that I need to. I actually should be working on those right now but I decided to blog instead, not that I don't love blogging but it shows the procrastination that I'm having.
Another thing I'm having an issue with is weight loss, not keeping the weight off but losing the weight I need to, I keep on eating, I haven't lost a pound since Thanksgiving weekend and that upsets me. It's my own fault and I wonder if I'm doing this to jeopardize my success when I move. I almost feel that if I lose weight and things go good for me out there, then it's only because I'm skinnier not because of who I am as a person. I haven't really explored my feelings on this theory but I know that I still hear to this day my mom tell me that people will only want to date me, hire me, befriend me etc if I'm skinny. Ofcourse in my head (and this is the eating disorder talking) I won't ever be my ideal weight or if I get there I know it's completely unhealthy, so in a way my head/heart is telling me that I will never have the boyfriend, friends, family or job that I want because I will never be skinny enough to be deserving of it. I know I need to work past those feelings and set a healthy weight loss goal of 150 or so (I'm 5'7 and med-lg boned) but the 105 sounds so much better to me. I am obsessed with bones, I think they are sexy, I don't even mind saying that when I used to be able to lay on my bed and see my hip bones poking out from under my skin, I was slightly turned on. Those where also the nights that I used to worry I was dying due to my heart being irregular and I would lay awake all night fretting that if I fell asleep that I might not wake up but it's funny how selective your memory can be.
I am starting back up at the gym tomorrow, on Monday I have bootcamp and I plan to work out at the gym those nights as well. I am getting back onto http://www.sparkpeople.com, tracking my weight and food. I am going to be more consistent with writing on this and holding myself accountable to losing 15 lbs before the end of January. I personally feel like that is an achievable goal and I know that the little boost I get from losing those pounds will make me feel superficially self assured when I move.
Okay this has been a long post, so sorry, I guess writing this has been a little therapeutic though, I should do more of this too! Happy Friday night everyone!
Quote for today: (one of my favorites)
“A year from now you will wish you had started today.” -Karen Lamb
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